Life sucks

I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to die. I'm sick of being in the middle. I want to close my eyes and go to sleep. I hate what you've done to me and how I feel. No wonder why I come home and drink. I can't live with you and how you treat us. What is wrong and why us? You make me wish I was dead.i hate you so much. You are turning into a monster and I can't control or stop your abuse.

I lay here at night and wonder of the scale will be lower tomorrow. Will i be thinner? Will anyone notice I've lost weight or will it be another depressing year? I have gotten a few more tattoos, to keep me from cutting. Its strange, but true. The pain is my relief.

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It's time

I am, once again, on the mission to lose weight. I must succeed. I've done it before, I can do it again. This time I have no one to tell me different. The first time it was a boyfriend. The second time it was a husband. Now I have neither and the cats have nothing to say about it. I found one of my old journals and it all came flooding back. I remember how thin I was and how happy I felt. I want to go back there again...
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Thoughts

Have you ever thought about being with someone like yourself? Being a divorced mom, it's hard to find a guy who understands. I wonder if another woman would understand?
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Body image norms

I have a friend with a daughter in 6th grade. She stands about 5'5" and probably weighs 70-lbs (if even) dripping wet. She is now enrolled in a local gym because her friends are telling her she is fat. And you wonder why kids have distorted images and eating disorders!
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No one to talk to

I have no one to talk to. I want to scream! I want to explode. I want to seriously hurt someone! I am so f*ckin pissed that I wish everyone would go to hell!!!

Even wanted to just sit and drink?

What a day? Nothing but arguments and tears. My son and I went at it tooth and nail. I just want to open bottle after bottle and drink - beer after beer, wine after wine, a heavy-duty shot...

Cut the pain

Have you ever been so mad, so angry, so frustrated that you have no idea how to escape? How do you handle it?

I have felt the sting of the razor blade against my flesh. The sting somehow releases the internal pain.

Unless you have felt the sting and seen the blood drops, you cannot imagine.

Anorexia

I have battle the anorexia demon... and I still do, almost every day of my life. For those who have never experienced it, they cannot seem to understand that this is something that always lingers. It is like a bad dream that you never forget. You get angry and frustrated, you feel fat and alone, so you just stop eating. For some people, that is just a way to rebel. For others, it is a way to fight the power - and be in control. Anorexia is a dangerous habit and it a hard one to break.

Fighting the Hunger

I am not hungry. I know I should, but I can't eat, I shouldn't eat.
I need to lose weight and get thin. I can't break this plateau and it is killing me.
I try and try, but feel like such a loser.

Bad days...

Have you ever wondered why you even got out of bed? What makes you feel better? Beer satisfies my thirst, but wine mellows me out. Too bad I need to live like this.

Those type of thoughts

I'm having dark thoughts and it worries me. I can' help it. Help me.

Have you felt the pain?

Have you ever been so frustrated or angry that you wanted to explode? So upset that you didn't know what was next? Have you ever felt the sting of a blade cutting your flesh, suddenly making all the other hurt go away?

Have you ever been depressed?

Depression is a strange thing. You don't really think about it, but it can totally consume you and everything you do.

My first experience happened many years ago, before my son was born. I would climb into the shower to get ready for work, and all of a sudden I would be standing under the water, sobbing uncontrollably. That went on for quite a while, until I couldn't handle it anymore. I finally went to the doctor and asked for help.

Depression takes its toll on your own mind and body. You may not even realize it's happening, but it is...

I have an Eating Disorder

I have an eating disorder and I am not afraid to admit it.

I have put my family through hell because of it, but it controlled me, I did not control it.

Unless you have been there, and done that, you cannot say that you understand the power these things have over the human mind and body.

I live with these urges every day of my life...

History Coming Back

Each day, I live with things that have happened in my past. There are so many things that I have gone through that I have never shared with anyone.

It's things like this that seem to haunt me each day.

When I get angry or frustrated, I want to disappear, or crawl into a hole. In the past, I used to inflict pain upon myself, to take away from the pain inside.

Physical pain always seems to override the mental and emotional pains.

It only hurts for a little bit.

Diet... and Demons

Okay, this all started a long time ago… both the diets… and the demons that come to haunt me.

I started dieting at a young age (before you had to be 18 to buy diet pills). My family has always been heavy and my dad’s comment that “if you don’t stay out of the fridge, you will look like a horse” didn’t truly help matters either.

I was always a large girl during school, as I was big-boned. I have broad shoulders and I am tall. I have also been muscular, but none of that is taken into consideration when you step on the scale and don’t fit into the “average” category.  Talk about a blow to the psyche.

In my early 20’s, I came to the realization that if I worked out all the time and didn’t eat, it’s amazing what my body would look like.  I started my journey to hell at that moment.  Oh yeah, I did it… man, and it worked so well. I drank a lot of water, I ate very little, I worked out religiously, I even took caffeine pills. At that point – whatever it would take… I did it – I got down… way down. I was so excited. OMG! Never remember being that thin!  Thin people have so many cooler clothes to wear than us with a few extra pounds!

I had so many people tell me I looked good. Little did they realize what was going on… why tell them… why make them worry?  Yes, I was the smallest I had ever been. Yes, I could feel my hip and pelvic bones, but so what? I was thin!

No one can understand how those things changed my life forever!

Been there, done that

I am going back and looking at the pain I have inflicted. Pain on both myself and others. I know it's not fair, but sometimes it seems like desperate times call for desperate measures.

Eating disorders are dangerous and destructive... and can leave pain in their path. They hurt more than just one person... trust me... been there, done that.

Welcome to my world

In my world, thing have not always been perfect.  I have taken many paths throughout my journeys and have not always been please with the direction I chose.  I have gone through depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and many other passages of life.  I want to be here to share with others, to help people realize that they are not alone.